Bloomberg To Ban All Freedoms In New York City

Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that he is declaring the American Constitution null and void in the borders of New York City.

Bloomberg, who overturned term limits to run a third time in New York City back in 2009, stated on WOR radio yesterday that "Democracy and freedom are just unworkable these days, they make trying to control people just too damned difficult, and so we have decided to do away with both in New York City."

Bloomberg stated that recent protests over his education policies, his stop-and-frisk policing policies, and food and restaurant regulation policies had sent him over the edge.

"We just can't have people in this city telling the mayor they won't do what he wants," Bloomberg told WOR radio host John Gambling Jr. "This is an oligarchy, John, and people have got to follow the rules and regulations I make, whether they like it or not."

"Except for my friends at Goldman Sachs, of course, " the mayor added with a chuckle. "They can do whatever the hell they want."

Bloomberg's controversial decree, essentially declaring martial law in the city, will take effect this Sunday, June 3 at 12:00 AM.

WOR radio host Gambling, normally a passive interviewer who lets Bloomberg have his say without much pushback, seemed nonplussed by the mayor's decree.

"Mr. Mayor, are you sure you have the power to do this? I'm no constitutional law scholar, but it sounds vaguely unconstitutional."

Bloomberg seemed annoyed with Gambling. "Listen, John, don't fuck with me, okay. I'm telling you, I've had it up to here with people trying my patience and not listening to what I say or doing what I want. I've got my own army in the NYPD, I've got my own General Patton in Commissioner Ray Kelly and I will do whatever the fuck I want when I want to whomever I want and if any NYCLU commie pinko liberal wants to say differently, I will have them orange netted and in a cell so fast it will make their birkenstocks spin off."

Legal experts say that while Bloomberg's decree seems unconstitutional on the face of it, if he uses the veneer of "terrorism" as a reason for declaring martial law within the borders of the city, he just might get away with it.

"It's very disturbing, to tell you the truth," said Jonathan Turley, law professor at George Washington University Law School, "but ever since 9/11, these people in government can pretty much do whatever they want, so long as they say it's to keep us safe from terrorism. I mean, who'd have thought an American president would say he has the legal right to assassinate any American citizen suspected of terrorism at any time in any place? And yet, Obama has done just that. So why shouldn't Bloomberg be able to get away with declaring martial law in New York? It's just the kind of thing the right wing nuts on the Supreme Court will love."

Turley, who was visiting MSNBC studios at 3o Rockefeller Center at the time of his comment, was later arrested by NYPD officers on terrorism charges and is currently being held in a Riker's Island jail cell until he can be transferred to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for questioning.