The Murdoch Street Journal reports that President Accountability says he performed an "awesome responsibility" when he pardoned a pair of turkeys named Apple and Cider from being Thanksgiving dinner at the White House.
The president instead had a teacher from Central Falls, Rhode Island killed, stuffed with bread crumbs and surrounded by yams, potatoes, and cranberry.
The teacher had taught math at Central Falls, Rhode Island for 22 years.
He was chosen through a value-added analysis that demonstrated he had added little value to his students' test scores in the past year, though he once had been named Teacher of the Year in the state of Rhode Island.
Sasha and Malia both said they prefered the social studies teacher from the South Bronx that was served at the White House last year, but that the six kinds of pie Obama insisted be added to the dessert menu were "yummy."
For his own part, President Obama said the teacher meat was a little stringy and tough, so next year that might go with a younger teacher for the Thanksgiving dinner.
"But not too young," President Obama told reporters as he shared an after dinner smoke with Arne Duncan. "After all, we only want to get rid of the old ones."