Perdido 03

Perdido 03

Friday, July 19, 2013

Bloomberg Announces Charter School Co-Locations To Continue "In Perpetuity"

In response to a lawsuit filed by the United Federation of Teachers to stop the New York City Department of Education from continuing co-locations of charter schools in public school buildings through 2015, Mayor Bloomberg and Chancellor Walcott held a press conference outside Tweed Courthouse to announce that co-locations will now go on "in perpetuity."

The mayor, joined by charter school industry advocates/hedge fund managers and Eva Moskowitz at the press conference, told reporters that he has the right to continue charter school locations and other education reform policies long after he leaves office because "I'm the richest man in this city and money talks while bullshit walks."

Bloomberg, sipping a 32 ounce Pepsi and eating trans-fat-laden Cheezits while Howard Wolfson held a lit Newport cigarette for him as he spoke, said "Listen, I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want and if the UFT doesn't fucking like it they can go fuck themselves, okay.  I'm outta here in less than six months, but I've got more money than God and I plan to use that cash to make sure what I want to happen in this city and in this country will continue to happen long after I'm gone."

Bloomberg went on to say that he will ensure charter school co-locations and other signature education reform policies like school closures, data tracking through poorly designed tech systems like ARIS, and teacher evaluations based upon test scores from badly-designed testing materials like ACUITY through his PAC as well as his philanthropy.

"Have you seen how much cash we've thrown at gun-toting Dems who refuse to cave to my wishes on gun issues?" Bloomberg said. "Well, that's how we're going to handle education policies in this city forever and ever and ever.  Even after I'm gone, Bloomberg Philanthropy will have all the money any foundation would ever need for propaganda and charity purposes to ensure these policies continue ad infinitum.  We're going to make sure that this NYCDOE remains the BLOOMBERG NYCDOE until the end of time."

When asked how it is a mayor gets to ensure his policies continue into eternity merely because he has more money than anybody else, Bloomberg said "This is America, buddy.  The only thing that matters in this country is how much money you've got. You only think it's a democracy.  Those precious 'rights' you think you have are contingent upon how much money you've got.  The more money you've got, the more rights you have.  And since I've got the most money in this city, I've got the most rights - period!"

Bloomberg then jumped into one of two gas-guzzling SUV's that are idling on the street outside City Hall at all times for quick getaways  and was driven to the 34th Street Heliport where his lady friend, Diana Taylor, and their two dogs, Bonnie and Clyde, were waiting for the mayor to make an illegal takeoff from the helipad and fly his private helicopter, Greenhouse Gas One, to Bermuda.


  1. One final detail: you forgot to mention that he likes to spit down on people as he's flying over.

  2. Did the SUVs have the home window air-conditioners installed? I would hate to think of the Emperor passing one extra moment in this heat.